Yes it’s been a WHILE. I actually could’ve kept up with this thing, but I was extremely lazy, slightly-to-not-so slightly depressed, really busy, and always tired…. oh so tired.
But I’m posting because I’m procrastinating tonight. Also, I got some thoughts swirling in my head.
I read my friends’ posts/blurbs on facebook, etc…and a lot of them gush on and on about their children. This is not a bad thing. I’m not into saccharine-sweet type posts most of the time, but I appreciate reading them. But these posts make me guilty about my own take on parenting. I love the kids to death and can wax poetic about their skills and all that, but I’m not the world’s biggest fan of parenting. And sometimes I think there is something wrong with me for not gushing more about the joys of parenting.
My kids are awesome. Heck, I think my son is gifted. Everyday he surprises me with his, wisdom. Today, for example, he kept telling me about how he doesn’t want to get old. He doesn’t want to get old because he doesn’t want to go to heaven. And I think this is primarily because we told him his grandmother died because she was old. He keeps bringing it up every so often that I think I should go see a counselor of some sort to help explain it more to him.
He’s super-artistic (takes after me, I must say); draws very detailed pictures; and has always been very verbal with an amazing vocabulary. He’s fine, but he just DOES NOT LISTEN. Or purposely tests me. He’ll be 5 in February and he still can’t sit down and eat a freaking meal by himself. Meal times are super stressful. Coming home from work, furiously whipping up a dinner for the kids, and then feeding them is stressful.
Going out is also be stressful. I want them to enjoy certain experiences but when they don’t listen, things get hectic. The hubs is no help. He gives my son the silent treatment if he doesn’t behave and I know that’s not the way to do things. Or he yells. I mean, I yell too, but I don’t let the world stop and hold a grudge. It’s like I have to maneuver through a minefield and cater to the kids and the hubs. I then have to police the kids so that the hubs doesn’t get angrier –and this is the shit I don’t like the most. It’s like living with my own dad (who has temper issues) all over again. It’s like the stress of parenting then falls only on me because he refuses to deal with it in a normal manner.
As for the girl…well, she’s like a teenager. Heck, she knows the lyrics to a lot of songs that I play. She loves to sing, talk, and play with me. She always wants ME. I think because she has an older sibling, she grew up fast. I listen to their conversations and they are down right hilarious. I love it when they play together because they interact really well. But they also fight. A LOT. A LOT LOT. And again, yelling occurs. I really don’t like being a mean mom but it comes out. And that’s when I end up saying things I later regret like “can’t you just leave me alone?” Or I end up yanking someone’s arm to get them off someone or haul them into time-out.
*Sigh* I know I should focus on the good things about being a parent. They are my life and they totally make my world better. But the day-to-day inner workings of being a parent also get me down. I don’t like having to rush dinner and then bathtime and then bed. It’s like clockwork and I don’t have time to just play with them. I always feel like I would be a better parent if I just get help with the little things in life –the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, etc.
And I’m definitely selfish and independent. Kids are needy, I know. I love doing things for them, but at the same time, it’s hard to do things for them all the time. Does that make sense?
Anyway… that’s my thoughts so far. Each day is different. Some days are definitely better than others. Parenthood is definitely a work in progress. Each day, I pray that I am more patient, and more loving and supportive. Maybe it’ll help if I start bragging and posting about the good things the kids do?
As my friend always says: Judge me.