how soon is now?

Today is February 25, 2012.  My first post in quite a long time.  For the most part, things have stayed the same, though I must say, I am poised for a change!  Some things that are different:

-the kids are older.  Rockstar boy is now 6 years old, and Lil C is now 4 years old.

-we renovated our house.  I’m not sure if I even posted anything about us renovating our house.  In any case, we moved back in last May 2011, and we are much happier with our new space.  At least, I am much happier with the new space.  However, I know realize that we are quite locked in.  That is, thoughts of moving to anywhere else are not at all realistic.

-I’m older.  I’ll be even older come July.

-I’m writing this post on a brand new computer!  A MacBook Pro to be exact!  It hasn’t exactly changed my life, but hey, it’s much faster than my old computer!

I realize last year that I did not leave the country at all!  And I usually try to do at least one trip.  But we were working on our house, so any other added expense was just not in the picture.

 This year, however, I am going to a brand new place!  I decided to treat my mother    to a Mother’s Day-and-birthday trip to Turkey!  It’s a place both she and I have not been to, and a change of pace from going to Europe.  Then our mother-and-daughter trip expanded when I invited two of my other friends to join us (Girlie, and my co-worker Priya).  So now, it’s a big girls’ trip!  We are leaving the first of May, and I cannot wait.

I also have a pending trip to San Francisco.  I never ever travel for work, but am actually going to a Forensic Evidence seminar in San Francisco of all places this coming March…and the whole family is coming with!  It’ll be a mini-vacation of sorts…I’m also working on a trip to Aruba if everything falls into place!

But for now, I have this picture on my work desktop…something to envision and take me away when all else gets me down.

project 365 – day ??!#&#@: advanced parenthood 101

Yes it’s been a WHILE.  I actually could’ve kept up with this thing, but I was extremely lazy, slightly-to-not-so slightly depressed, really busy, and always tired…. oh so tired.

But I’m posting because I’m procrastinating tonight.   Also, I got some thoughts swirling in my head.

I read my friends’ posts/blurbs on facebook, etc…and a lot of them gush on and on about their children.  This is not a bad thing.  I’m not into saccharine-sweet type posts most of the time, but I appreciate reading them.  But these posts make me guilty about my own take on parenting.  I love the kids to death and can wax poetic about their skills and all that, but I’m not the world’s biggest fan of parenting.   And sometimes I think there is something wrong with me for not gushing more about the joys of parenting.

My kids are awesome.  Heck, I think my son is gifted.  Everyday he surprises me with his, wisdom.  Today, for example, he kept telling me about how he doesn’t want to get old.  He doesn’t want to get old because he doesn’t want to go to heaven.  And I think this is primarily because we told him his grandmother died because she was old.  He keeps bringing it up every so often that I think I should go see a counselor of some sort to help explain it more to him.

He’s super-artistic (takes after me, I must say); draws very detailed pictures; and has always been very verbal with an amazing vocabulary.  He’s fine, but he just DOES NOT LISTEN.  Or purposely tests me.  He’ll be 5 in February and he still can’t sit down and eat a freaking meal by himself.  Meal times are super stressful.  Coming home from work, furiously whipping up a dinner for the kids, and then feeding them is stressful.

Going out is also be stressful.  I want them to enjoy certain experiences but when they don’t listen, things get hectic.  The hubs is no help.  He gives my son the silent treatment if he doesn’t behave and I know that’s not the way to do things.  Or he yells.  I mean, I yell too, but I don’t let the world stop and hold a grudge.  It’s like I have to maneuver through a minefield and cater to the kids and the hubs.  I then have to police the kids so that the hubs doesn’t get angrier –and this is the shit I don’t like the most.  It’s like living with my own dad (who has temper issues) all over again.  It’s like the stress of parenting then falls only on me because he refuses to deal with it in a normal manner.

As for the girl…well, she’s like a teenager.  Heck, she knows the lyrics to a lot of songs that I play. She loves to sing, talk, and play with me.   She always wants ME.  I think because she has an older sibling, she grew up fast.  I listen to their conversations and they are down right hilarious.  I love it when they play together because they interact really well.  But they also fight.  A LOT.  A LOT LOT.  And again, yelling occurs.  I really don’t like being a mean mom but it comes out.    And that’s when I end up saying things I later regret like “can’t you just leave me alone?”  Or I end up yanking someone’s arm to get them off someone or haul them into time-out.

*Sigh*  I know I should focus on the good things about being a parent.  They are my life and they totally make my world better.  But the day-to-day inner workings of being a parent also get me down.  I don’t like having to rush dinner and then bathtime and then bed.  It’s like clockwork and I don’t have time to just play with them.  I always feel like I would be a better parent if I just get help with the little things in life –the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, etc.

And I’m definitely selfish and independent.  Kids are needy, I know.  I love doing things for them, but at the same time, it’s hard to do things for them all the time.  Does that make sense?

Anyway… that’s my thoughts so far.  Each day is different.  Some days are definitely better than others.  Parenthood is definitely a work in progress.    Each day, I pray  that I am more patient, and more loving and supportive.  Maybe it’ll help if I start bragging and posting about the good things the kids do?

As my friend always says: Judge me.

project 365 – day 134 to 158: my respite

It’s been a while.  A lot of things has happened.  Life goes on.  But no matter how crazy my life gets, I will always, always make the time to escape into a book.

I borrowed this stack from the library this past Thursday.  I am already finished with one book, The Nobodies Album, which I highly recommend.  It’s written by Carolyn Parkhurst who wrote the awesome “The Dogs of Babel.”

All in all it’ll probably take me 2 weeks to finish this pile.

project 365 – day 130 to 133: check out etsy

I heart Etsy.  If you haven’t seen what Etsy has to offer, you are missing out.

Esty offers such cool, unique, handmade, and vintage stuff.  So far, I’ve only bought a couple of shirts from etsy, but they have everything from jewelry to handmade clothes, to personalized stationary, iPod/mac cases, purses, artwork, etc.  You name it and they will probably have it or can make it for you! 

disc necklace & photo by missashleylu

I am buying some jewerly at some point from Lu’s Boutique.  The jewelry here is just exquisite, simple, and elegant.  S0me of it is definitely my style.  I am currently lusting after this disc necklace seen here on the left.  I think it’s so pretty.  But all her other pieces are pretty darn spectacular as well!  Like her wishbone necklace and sterling spikes necklace.

I also like checking out children’s wear on Etsy.  This shop has a cute cupcake dress that I want to get for Lil C.  I know she’ll love it because she loves cupcakes and dresses.  Maybe next payday?

dress & photo by Sew Posh Baby

project 365 – day 123 to 129: 34 years

I can’t help but think, “when did I get so old?”

I feel old because I still haven’t done many of the things I want to accomplish in life.

I feel old because I still have issues I’m dealing with that I can’t seem to let go.

I feel old because I regret not doing some things in life.

I feel old because I regret doing some things in life.

I feel old because I’m one year closer to 35.  And that means I will soon be 40.

I feel old because I am starting to ‘lose’  loved ones.

I feel old because my children are growing up.

I feel old because I now talk about “adult” things like mortgages, property taxes, variances, renovations, etc.

I feel old because I need to take two Tylenols in the morning if I’ve had more than 2 drinks the night before.

I feel old because I can’t go back to being 21 again.

Ah…I may complain and all but I do know I have a great life that many people envy.  I am appreciative of everything that I have.  I question choices that I have made in life, but it’s gotten me where I am today.  As cliche as it sounds, life really is about the journey.  It’s about continuous growth.

I’m still growing, I’m still learning, I’m still in the game.

project 365 – day 119 to 122: summer jams

Last night was the first ‘practice’ session I had with my new band.  We were almost complete.  The only person missing was my new bassist.  Funny story I have about this bassist… So I put an ad out on Craigslist looking for a bassist.  Here’s my ad here, actually.  This guy responds; let’s call him “D.”  So D and I exchange several emails.  We had lots in common –including the fact that we had stable jobs, and that we both were married, have 2 kids, the mortgage, etc.

So we try to set up times to meet.  Then lo and behold, I meet him purely by accident while at work.  He came up to me asking “are you Kat?  Do you like music?”  In my head, I was already on guard, thinking “Okaaay…? Am I being punked?”  Turns out, he was the same dude I’ve been emailing!    Such a small world.  So not only do we have similar backgrounds, we also work in the same field!

I have yet to hear him play, but he’s already in the band.

Speaking of bands and music, I’d like to leave you with some cool summer jams that I think should be on your playlist this summer.  It’s an ecclectic mix, but I think you’ll enjoy it!

project 365 – day 118?: the creator’s project (or how I saw Interpol for free)

Once in a while, I still get to do cool things!  Like getting into a free show-art exhibit-launch party for free!  This past Saturday, I attended the Creators Project Launch Party in NYC.  Earlier in the month, I entered a lottery where lucky winners get to attend this event.  I did not get a ticket.  I was really disappointed because I wanted to see Interpol, one of my favorite bands.  But!  I got a hook-up from my uber-cool cousin Jessica (who is a music journalist!); she won a spot, but couldn’t go. So through an elaborate pick-up plan, she was able to give me her wristband; she had to pick it up (since it was under her name), wiggle out of the wristband, and then I picked up the wristband from her.  I got in without a single snag.  And I was able to get in another friend into the show as well!

So this event was held at Milk Studios in the Meat Packing District.  There were several bands and DJ’s scheduled to play.  When I got there, I realized Interpol was playing in the loading dock on the building –which is street level.  Moveable metal fences were the only things separating the cool people who got in, from the non-cool people who didn’t get in =).  I told my friend, just meet me outside and I’ll give you my wrist band –and TA DA!  Instant access!

Interpol was amazing.  They played 2 new songs and did a full hour set!  It was the first live performance for their new bassist and new keyboardist Brandon Curtis. New bassist Pajo tried to look the part too with the hair and all, but Carlos D. will definitely be missed.

The downside? Since it was an outdoor show, it was fucking hot.  I didn’t even dare go near the stage because I knew it would hot-as-balls over there, so I had to stay back towards the street.  It was great because it was such a small show and the acoustics were quite excellent!

The rest of the Creators Project was amazing.  I checked Gang Gang Dance, and this DJ (whose name I forgot) who did his set using beats from from Gameboys.  There was FREE open bar and free food (though I was too late to partake of the food), and we’re talking good liquor and wine.  M.I.A. was also a surprise guest;  I tried to watch but it was too packed and I was too darn sweaty to try to get through the crowd,  Supposedly, she rocked it, but alas, I could only hear it and not see it.  The art and exhibits was quite cool as well.  I definitely had fun.

Here’s a great article about the event.

Some pics of the installations and art:

Cool night.

project 365 – day 104 to 113: sleepless in seattle

My family and I flew to Seattle, WA to attend my cousin’s wedding.  It was the kids’ first time in a plane (excluding flights when they were infants).  I almost had a nervous breakdown on the plane, I must say.

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit.  However, it was a a very stressful flight for me.  Despite the fact that I had my mom, my dad, and my two adult brothers to help me, the kids were still a handful.  They are four and two years old, and they did not behave on the plane.  The flight going there was fraught with tension.  They kept yelling, they were fighting with each other, they were giddy, and they did NOT nap.  Mind you, they have been awake since 6:30 am (eastern time), and we didn’t land in Seattle until 3 pm!  So they were awake the entire time.  Overall, they acted their age.  My son was pretty ok; he drew, he watched some tv, he played with his toys.  My daughter kept yelling “I want to get out!” and was clingy.  I couldn’t even go to the bathroom.  I was just on edge the whole time because I just wanted them to sit and be quiet –which is really not what 4 & 2-year olds do!  I mean, who was I thinking I could read a book and listen to my iPod?  As if!  My main concern was to keep them from annoying other people –but apparently this did not work since the lady in front of my son asked to be moved!  Like she’s never heard 2 kids scream and play before…hahah…

The flight back was much, much better.  They napped for at least a good hour, and they were more prepared and bit more behaved.  I was able to relax a bit and actually watch a movie!  I was able to breathe…*Sigh*

I am seriously scared about the flight to the Philippines this coming December.  They will both be slightly older, so I am hoping they’ll be less giddy.  But let’s face it, it is an extremely long flight.  I can barely stand it myself, let alone travel with these 2 kiddos!  I just have to think of the big picture and the fun we will have once we land there, right??! 

But on to the good stuff… Seattle was pretty as usual.  The only time it rained was the day of my cousin’s wedding (which was, of course, an outdoor wedding). 

the bride & groom

Nonetheless, we all had a great time.  The wedding was held at The Orting Manor – such a lovely, rustic place.  It was really too bad that it poured; otherwise we would have explored it more!  I know the kids had fun; Lil C was the flowergirl but she already got mud all over her shoes (not to mention my clothes!) before the ceremony even started!  She also would not pose AT ALL with the wedding party.  So I’m not even sure she’s in any pictures! 

Lil C getting ready to run amuck in the rain...

Our family and the beautiful bride's family

It was a reunion for most of us cousins and we all went to for beers and made our own “after-party.”  The funny thing was that we got lost for a good 20 minutes looking for this bar that was next to our hotel all along!  But let me just say, this bar was tucked in the middle of a trucking yard!  We also sent in my cousin and my brother to check out the bar before the rest of us would get out of the van!

We also did a day trip to Vancouver.  Vancouver was beautiful.  It was super-clean and the people were all nice.  We drove around, saw Stanley Park, drove by Chinatown, and then explored Capilano Bridge & Nature Park. 

Capilano Bridge - Park entrance

 You have to check out this bridge if you’re ever inVancouver.  It’s awesome!  The views are breathtaking and walking across the bridge is an adventure.  The kids totally loved it.  They got to run around, explore tree houses, and play in a beautiful nature preserve.  If you’re a fan of Twilight and all that jazz, I think you’d get a kick out of the trees and the scenery.

A view of Capilano Bridge

On the way back, we stopped by a McDonalds and let me just say, I was impressed.  I would have never thought I’d be impressed by a McDonalds, but I was!  It was almost spa-like in its design!  I guess I’m used to my busted-ass McDonald’s right here by my work. 

At the very end of our trip, we stayed at the Sheraton in the heart of downtown Seattle.  I pretty much stayed in since it was drizzling the whole day, the kids didn’t have strollers, and it was hard to do any sightseeing.  My mom went and did a whole tour though.  I did manage to visit Pike Place for a bit.  By then, my camera was dead, so I could only take pics with my phone.  I couldn’t leave Seattle without visiting the Starbucks mothership, of course!   The Starbucks prices in Seattle was definitely much, much cheaper than over here in the East Coast, or even in California!  What a great incentive for me to move there!  Even my parents are contemplating retiring there as they really liked it.  We’ll see.   I also love the food there. Perfect for a foodie like me.

My aunt also runs a daycare in Seattle –she keeps insisting I ship the kids over for the summer each year!  I’m all for it! Hahahha….well, I can probably part with them for 2 weeks, not 2 months!  But the hubs has yet to say yes….

But I will definitely visit Seattle again.

project 365 – day 103: if it doesn’t fit…

You must acquit!

Okay, this is not a post about O.J. Simpson, or the law for that matter.

Right now, I’m in the midst of packing for a trip to Seattle.  The kids and I (together with my immediate family, sans the hubs) are flying out to Seattle tomorrow for a wedding.  This will be their first flight! (Not counting their plane trips when they were wee infants).

So I’m scrambling to get stuff together.  I don’t even know what to wear to my cousin’s outdoor wedding.  The one dress I really wanted to wear no longer fits me!  And of course, I just found out that fact about 30 minutes ago.

I really like this dress.  It’s from J.Crew and I bought it a looong time ago.  It’s also a size Petite 2 which should’ve really tipped me off.  The funny thing was, the last time I wore it was for a wedding that occurred a few months after I gave birth to Rockstar Boy!  If it fit me then, why couldn’t it fit me now?!  And to top it all off, I even wore one of those girdle/Spanx things to suck in the gut.  I was able to zip it up after a lot of finagling (did I spell that right?).  End result?

I. Could. Not. Breathe. At all.

So I guess I have to give up that dress!

I’m going with my 2nd and 3rd choice dresses…sheesh….

project 365 – day 101: you’re so vain…

You’re so vain…you probably think this song is about you…

I saw pictures of myself from this picnic I went to this past Saturday.  I didn’t find a single flattering photo of me in the bunch.  *Sigh*  Well I’ve never been photogenic, that much is true, but I do find a photo that I like here and there .  But not from this past weekend….

I just look old and busted.  Tired.  Sallow eyes.  And this is with make-up!  Ugh…my youth and beauty (however little I did have it) are slowly fading away…

And let’s not even get started on my gut.  I’m thisclose to getting a consult for lipo or a tummy tuck.  My gut is just hanging out there and I am sick of it.  I do work out.  I go to the gym anywhere from once to 3x a week (well, 3x is maybe pushing it, but I do get physical activity).  I just can’t control the pooch and it sickens me.

And what really bothers me the most is that I weigh a whopping 112 pounds.   Which is not a lot! That’s less than I weighed pre-kids!  But I don’t look like I weigh that.  Apparently, I am made up of about 27% body fat which is exactly the crap hanging out over my jeans and popping out of my shirts.   I need to develop muscle tone, but I reallly, really want to get a tummy tuck.  The lack of money and the fact that I might die and never see my kids again are the only two things stopping me (in that order).  Then again, I figure millions undergo plastic surgery each year…

Eh.  This is all wishful thinking.  If it weren’t for the gut, I’d be perfectly fine with myself.  Heck, I can live with the bad pictures.  I can always put on more make-up, and I know I look loads better in person.

It’s just the fucking gut!!!