Archive for February, 2004

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I have come to the realization that I am broke. R…

25 February 2004

I have come to the realization that I am broke. Really. I just opened my credit card bill and it was absolutely ghastly (said in Brit accent, of course). It’s nearing the 4 zeroes range and I’m beginning to panic. Okay, it’s not that near…but not that far either. I like to think that I just pay a monthly fee and so what if the balance climbs as long as I keep up the payments. But now it seems the balance just keeps on growing! I’m scared! And it’s not like I’ve been using it either. The last big purchase I had was my new laptop (which I’m using right now =). And for the past months, I’ve only been using my ATM card for all little purchases. Damn. I rarely worry about money (not because I think I have it, because I don’t), but it’s sad to know that I sort of live paycheck to paycheck. And without the hubs, I would definitely be living paycheck to paycheck! (But please, if you say I am “supported” by him, I will kick yer arse!) Well, this is just brilliant. I’m almost thirty years old and have nothing to show for! It sucks to know your life is limited by money. Which is not to say that you can’t enjoy life of course (and yes, I know how fortunate I am). All I’m saying is that it would be nice to splurge here and there without having to worry about the repercussions.

Sex and the City. I would just like to give a toast to the end of a brilliant show! I saw the last ever episode last Sunday, and I must say, it brought tears to my eyes! I love this show not because I think it’s a realistic representation of single life In New York. I love it because it emphasizes the many great things about life and it’s set in New York (which is the city I call home). The show is both real yet almost farcical in a way. I mean, the situations can be ludicrous, but at the same time, they are still believable because of the characters and the setting of the story. Take Carrie and her shoes. No freaking writer can own 100 pairs of Manolo Blahniks and Christian Leboutins! And Oscar de la Renta and Dior couture! But she’s still a believeable person because of her emotions, her relationships with her friends, her relationship drama, her neuroses. It’s a great mix of everything and I love it! And I will miss it!

The Kid Stays in the Picture. Why is it that married couples are expected to have children? (And yes, I know you don’t have to be married to have children, I’m just saying that there is still a societal expectation that married people are to propagate the world). And that opting to not have children is still considered a deviation from the norm? It’s weird. I’ve never questioned the idea that I would be a mom one day. It’s akin to my thinking that college would be a given after high school. Both are concepts I never really had to debate in my head. It was a given that I would go to college, and it was a given that I would have kids. But is it? I can envision my life without children –it would be like it is now. Just me and hubs. Definitely less financial worries I can tell you that. I can do things whenever I want to and we can go wherever we want to without worrying about anything. I can also envision my life with kids. Both the good and bad parts. Waking up at 3 am to pacify the crying baby; toilet training; cleaning up constantly; trying to raise kids with morals and a backbone; your needs basically coming second to your kids needs. I have no idea how my parents did it and do it! I’m selfish!

Se Habla Espanol. I’m taking Spanish language classes to try to better skills. It would certainly come in handy with talking to my victims. My first class is tomorrow at Bergen County Community College. Bueno suerte!

America’s Next Top Model. Sarah is out! So sad! I thought she was beautiful! Especially with her sad and expressive eyes. And go Tyra for her venture into the music industry. Her new joint is catchy, I must say!

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Mondays Suck. I had all intention of starting out…

23 February 2004

Mondays Suck. I had all intention of starting out this entry with highlights of the past few days. But I just have to vent about today. Today at work, everything just went awry in terms of my morning calendar. At work, Mondays and Tuesdays are my busiest days –we have calendar call in which we have new cases to be arraigned. Usually, we get the files on Friday complete with discovery (documents to be turned over to the defense), or Monday morning. Today, all my files were missing discovery; our calendar was all screwed up in that we were missing pages; and we were missing files period. I must say, it’s a bitch to trek back and forth from the courtroom to the office to try to find all this missing shit. In writing, it doesn’t sounds as hectic, but believe me, it was. The judge would call out a defendant’s name, and I would be like who? –because he wasn’t on my calendar! It just sucked. In addition, I had a bunch of messages from people who I can’t really help out because they talk about things I have no control over; I had a probable cause hearing that I blew because apparently I didn’t know how to argue one; I had to be in front of 2 judges at the same time; I got lectured on by people from because of the missing discovery and files…yadda yadda yadda. Basically, what could go wrong, did go wrong today.

Stowe, VT. Went for a short holiday from Thursday night to Sunday night. Fabulous snow! Great riding experiences. We went with Mark’s co-worker and 9 of his friends. We stayed at the Commodore’s Inn where there was some sort of International Academy Trip going on with a whole slew of Brits! So you can just imagine my delight listening to their accents over breakfast! A lot of the skiers/riders up in Stowe were actually European, so it was a cool experience for me. The only thing that I was a bit peeved about was that I didn’t ride as hard as the others. I think my riding skills have gone down. The hubs is faster than me, and a few of his co-workers were just plain excellent! Zoomed down the mountain at break-neck speed. I mean, I wasn’t that far behind, and I can physically go as fast at the others –I’m just scared of doing that! I think this weekend, I’ll work on my speed.

More later…time to leave work and hit the gym…

Okay…just wanted to give a shout-out to my friend Karen: Happy 28th Birthday!

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Cheers! 1) I’m so digging my new laptop! It …

18 February 2004

Cheers!

1) I’m so digging my new laptop! It came over the weekend and I’m using it now! The hubs hooked me up to our network and so I’m wireless! Very cool. I will mos def be using it every day for my writing! I promised myself that I would write something at least 4 times a week.

2) I’ve picked up the guitar again and I’m trying to get an hour’s worth of practice each day. I’m suddenly envisioning myself forming a garage band and playing Cure covers!

3) And speaking of the Cure…they will be launching a WORLD TOUR this summer!! While it’s uncertain at this point when exactly they will be here, I know for a fact that they will be playing again live on stage in the immediate future! No need for me to spend $$ going to the Coachella Tour this May! Yay! I’ll wait for them to come here!

4) Last, but certainly not the least: The hubs may actually live with me full-time!! As in, he doens’t have to travel to Delaware anymore and will actually be home everyday of the week! More on this later!

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The 17-year old Me vs. The 27-year old Me: A Quick…

17 February 2004

The 17-year old Me vs. The 27-year old Me: A Quick Glimpse

I just realized the other day that it’s been a decade since I was 17 years old. A decade. That sounds so like such a long time. Back when I was 17, I thought that turning 21 was such a long time away, and I thought that 30 was such an old age. It’s been a weird journey so far, and I while I feel “different”, I also feel like I’m exactly the same. Here’s some comparisons:

Me at 17: I was a junior at Pilgrim School; just started wearing clothes that were not black in color; in love with my then-boyfriend who I started going out with the summer before ninth grade; I was an okay guitar player in a “semi-band” with my then-boyfriend and our friends; I like to write short stories; was the co-editor-in-chief of the high school newspaper and the Secretary of the student council; I didn’t like hip-hop; and I didn’t have any real close female friends at this time (or Filipino friends at this time). I was a bit of an “outsider” in school in that I wasn’t part of the “popular” clique. Weirdly though, our student body was so small that cliques were barely that –people knew each other and were close with each other and didn’t really give each other a hard time. (The graduating class of 1995 was 19 students). At that time, all I wanted to be in life was be a writer (and teach on the side) and I’d written enough short stories to warrant accolades from my teachers and peers. (I don’t know where they are today and I only have vague recollections of them). I also thought I would marry my then-boyfriend and only abandoned this idea when I “found” myself in college during my freshman year. I dressed uniquely, in thrift-store and vintage shop-bought clothes and in fact, barely spent any money on them. You could consider me having a low-key Goth look. I was very focused on being “different” on the outside and thought I had a clear sense of my identity back then. At the time, I was also an avid fan of alternative rock. My all-time favorite band was The Cure (with near religious fervor, I must say), followed by other bands like Nirvana, Sonic Youth, The Smiths, REM, etc. I went to a lot of concerts and a lot of indie films.

But something happened in college that turned me into something else. The “core” me is still the same –same habits, beliefs, morals. But instead of being different in school, I suddenly wanted to fit in. I became lost in the sea of similarly strong-minded women in college. I felt dated all of a sudden. Didn’t know how to dress, didn’t know what kind of music to listen to. My roommate was popular and I was not. I was an introvert and didn’t know how to reach out to make new friends. Slowly, I found that I was abandoning my 17-year old self. At nineteen, I no longer listened to nearly 99% of the CDs that I had amassed. Buried The Cure e in favor of The Fugees. Adapted what other people were listening to. I had also stopped writing because I thought “who am I to think I can do anything with my stuff when there were hundreds of other kids here in college doing the same thing but better!” I started buying clothes from shops like Joyce Leslie versus Goodwill. I think the only hobby I still pursued was reading and watching films. I lost touch with the old boyfriend for a while, and I developed a new me. Of course, that’s just a quick rundown…

Can the present me and the old me be reconciled? Of course. People change. It’s inevitable. We do new things, meet new people, have new experiences, and grow each day of our lives. It’s what life is about. Things and experiences that we went through become who we are. Some things though, will never change as we carry that experience or memory day after day.

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Special Shout-Out to the Hubs. He sent me flowers…

13 February 2004

Special Shout-Out to the Hubs. He sent me flowers today at work for Valentine’s Day! What a nice treat! (Of course, it’s also great to get flowers for no reason every so often as well….) But regardless, I know the hubs is pretty thoughtful all year around. He gives me treats like chocolates when he comes back from work (because he knows they’re my favorite); he takes me out to dinner whenever I want at the places I want; and he’s always patient with me whenever I’m at my moodiest. What more can I ask for?

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Ramblings…. Isn’t it amazing how a song can sen…

11 February 2004

Ramblings….

Isn’t it amazing how a song can send you back in time? Well, not literally of course. But things like songs, or smells, or pictures can have you reeling back in time with memories of way back when. I’ve been listening to a few CD’s with songs that remind me of my high school days….It’s quite amusing.

Ever get hungry for a certain dish? When you have a craving for something specific, you don’t really feel satisfied until you get it. Among other foods, I get cravings for hot fudge sundaes from Baskin Robbins. Every so often, I get into this sundae kick and will have one for many days in a row. For this last kick, I had one Friday and Saturday. I wanted one this past Sunday too but the hubs said no. Like he said no me having Popeye’s. Lately, I’ve been craving for cheese biscuits from Red Lobster. The last time I had them was December 2003. But the last time before that was like 5 million years ago…even before I graduated from college!

Don’t you have days at work where you’re really stressed and want to snap at people and tell them just to shut the fuck up but can’t? Yesterday was my bad day. I got a bunch of crazy cases I’m sick of talking to the people involved. I just want to be left alone! As much as I like what I do, sometimes I wish I don’t have to get so involved. It’s like I’m an advocate/counselor/psychiatrist/confidante/waitress/psychic all rolled into one. I don’t know what’s going to freaking happen in the future so don’t ask me! People can be so bloody annoying!

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These Thoughts Keep Popping Up in My Head: Pardon …

5 February 2004

These Thoughts Keep Popping Up in My Head: Pardon the typos and ramblings….

1. I really, really, really, really, want to go see The Cure at the Coachella Festival now! Alas…there are just way too many factors involved! One: who the hell would want to come with me? (Well actually, there’s my ex-boyfriend who I can go with who does live in L.A.. But then again, that may just be too weird.) Two: airfare. The concert is in Indio, California which is about 30+ minutes away from Palm Springs and about 2.5+ hours away from Los Angeles. ‘Tis very far. Three: Hotel & Car costs. Okay…3 very big factors. Oh, and the concert ticket itself is $75 for each day (it’s a 2-day event). Bloody obstacles! So I’m easily looking at the very least… $500 to see my all-time favorite band. I guess I can always wait for them to come here. They were actually here in 1999 (or was it 1998) but I was oblivious for some reason and failed to see them or even hear about them until after the fact…. Man..I shall be whining about this from time to time.

2. I wanted a new laptop so I could get the ball rolling on that Great Novel that’s always been on the back of my mind. Today, I actually purchased one! Very exciting. This is my first big electronic purchase!! I feel so grown up…. I do have a laptop now, but in the words of Will Smith (from the movie MIB II)…it’s old and busted! My laptop will be the new hotness!

3. Shit I want my house cleaned up once and for all! Moving and unpacking is a bitch. I know I should just grin and bear it and attack all these boxes, but it’s a lot harder in reality than in theory to do. Plus with all these home improvements in the back of my mind, it’s like I’m still in limbo waiting for the actual home to catch up to it’s potential (what I see in my head). I feel transitory almost. You know how you feel when you’re staying in someone’s home and you’re not quite feeling at home because it’s not yours but you have to stay there for a few days or so? Like a visitor? That’s a bit how I feel at times…. Man, I wish I had money to burn so I can hire a great contractor, designer, etc… to do the works…

4. America’s Next Top Model rocks! I love this show! I think it’s brill! I like April, Mercedes, and Shandi. I think those 3 are normal, honest, and real. Camille’s one hell of a hypocritical bitch and Catie’s just this insipid little creature who cries at the slightest critique. Hel-lo!! You wanna be a freaking model and you can’t take criticism about your looks!? Uhm…something’s missing here….

More ramblings later….Law & Order is on!