Archive for October, 2004

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Confessions of a Twenty-Something in the Verge of …

28 October 2004

Confessions of a Twenty-Something in the Verge of a Mid-life Crisis…

I am 28 years old. My parents, in-laws, relatives, family friends, friends, and strangers alike have been pestering me as to when I’m going to have kids. Right now, I really don’t have an answer. I thought I did. I used to think that my life was on track. I had set some goals that I have already accomplished at the age I wanted to, and I thought I was cruising along with no worries. I graduated high school in 1995. I went to college and graduated in 1999. I had wanted always wanted to work in the public sector and become a writer (e.g., be a teacher and write on the side). After college, I wanted to work for a year or so to figure out was I really wanted to do. Then I went to law school instead and graduated in 2002. I got married at 24 (while still in law school), clerked for a judge for a year, and now work for the government. The hubs and I moved to the suburbs (i.e., anyplace not in NYC) after we got married, and then bought a house in 2003.

The hubs and I have been married for about 3 years and 5 months (religious wedding). The hubs and I have been married for about 4 years and 2 months (if you count the civil wedding, which we don’t nor does my family recognize it). Now I suppose it’s time to start having kids. I’ve always thought I’d have kids eventually. I love kids, I love taking care of them, I’ve had experience with them (my youngest brother is 15 years younger than me and I’ve had my share of taking care of him complete with the waking up in the middle of the night to feed him, change him, etc.) According to my own schedule, I thought I’d have at least 1 kid by the time I was 28/29 years old. Now, I don’t know if I want kids at all, or just need more time to think about it. I used to think that people who didn’t want kids were “cold” –that was when I was younger. However, I now know that not wanting kids is not an aberration in any way. It’s a personal decision based on various factors not limited to financial situations, lifestyle, etc.

Why am I suddenly re-thinking the idea of having kids? Part of it is that I’ve been analyzing my life thus far and have come to the conclusion that my parents have basically told me what to do all my life. In other words, I think my life now is a product of my parents’ doing. Some examples:

–I went to college in New York because I promised them I would. They let me stay in Los Angeles for 2 years by myself to finish high school as long as I went to a college in the East Coast. Done.



–I quit my job after college (I only worked there for 1.5 months) because they told me to enroll in law school right away. They were scared that if I didn’t go right after college, then I never would. Law school was not my personal choice. It was more of a default choice that I went along with. Done.

–I got married less than a year in my engagement because my parents did not like ‘long engagements’. That and my student visa was running out and they were worried. So I got married. Done.

I consciously went along with the wishes of my parents because I was always raised to be the obedient, eldest child who did what she was told. I did what was expected of me without putting up a good fight. At the same time, these are decisions that I think I would’ve made for myself eventually even without pressure from my parents.

Again, some examples: I love the East Coast and would’ve ended up here anyway especially since my family moved here. Besides, I got into a really good university and I was more than happy to enroll there. And of course, I love the hubs and would’ve marry him regardless of what my parents thought. I just wish we had waited a little bit. I even think that the hubs was caught off guard with the whole marriage thing himself. We definitely talked about it and were eventually going to do it, but I think we both were going to wait just a little longer (at least until I graduated from law school or had a job).

I regret the fact that I let my parents make some major decisions for me, and that I was ‘pressured’ to follow what they wanted. I wish I had the chance to be independent for a while and make my own mistakes. I wanted to be by myself. (I haven’t even had the experience of being single for longer than 5 months). I really didn’t want to go to law school right away. Would I have gotten there eventually? Maybe. Maybe not. Even if I didn’t, I doubt I would be floundering today. For me, I wanted to find a job myself, work, write on the side, and try living on my own. (By living on my own, I don’t mean that I still lived with my parents or anything; I had my own place, but I still felt financially dependent on them.)

Bottom line is that I don’t blame my parents. I’m not saying I’m not grateful for what they’ve done for me. They only had my best interest in mind. It’s not their fault they didn’t know how I truly feel. I did try to tell them, but at the same time, I just went along with it. I regret that I did not take a firmer stance. I felt that since they fed me, supported me, cared for me, etc., then the least I can do is do what they want. I felt I had to put their happiness above mine. I had to please them. You know what I mean?

In retrospect, I should’ve made things happen for me as opposed to letting things happen to me. We only have one life. My parents are not the ones panicking about how I feel right now. However, don’t get me wrong –I did and still have a lot of great experiences all by myself. So it’s not that I’m not happy. I just think that I would have been less unsure of myself now if I had more ‘independent’ experiences before I got here. Now, I can’t help but think ‘what if?’ or ‘if only I did this.’ The weird thing is that I’ve always considered myself independent in many ways. I never realize how tethered I was to my parents until now. Strike that. Actually, I knew that I was always indebted to my parents; I just never realized that I feel that the choices I’ve made in my life were not wholly my decision. Does that make sense?

So now, back to the kids and how this is affecting my decision to have them or not. (Yes, I do have a point). I feel that having kids will ‘confine’ me to the life I have now. It’ll be the beginning of my life as the “suburban mom with the husband, the kids, and the house.” Yes, I know that just because I have kids doesn’t mean I can’t live my life. Even rock stars/movie stars/novelists have kids! And it’s not like I’m this big party-person so who gets drunk every weekend. I don’t even do that. I know I can still do my own thing. But let’s face it –my own personal needs will be forever second to the needs of my kids. I will be sacrificing myself, and right now, I’m thinking ‘haven’t I sacrificed myself enough?” I’m scared to have kids because I might resent them. How can I possibly have kids when I’m still trying to figure out my life? Does everyone feel that way? Or is it just me? Am I just being selfish?

I know there is never going to be that perfect moment when everything in your life is aligned and you’ll suddenly know the meaning of life. I just have to take it day by day. I’m aware that I have a blessed life. I’m comfortable, I have a supportive & patient hubs, I have everything I need. I know I’m lucky that I didn’t have to struggle to get things that I want, etc. I know all that.

I think I just needed to vent out some concerns and frustrations. Writing it out does help. I’m feeling better already. I just felt the need to put my thoughts out there. Casting my emotional self-doubt aside, I know I’ll make a wonderful mom if I do say so myself. Like I said, I love kiddies and already have experience taking care of them.

In the end, I think I’ll be all right.

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Survey Says… I was browsing through Friendste…

27 October 2004

Survey Says…

I was browsing through Friendster and saw this survey that my cousin had posted. I decided to answer it because I’m feeling lazy tonight and didn’t want to write what I really wanted to write about. So here’s the survey.

  • Birthplace: Manila, Philippines
  • Current Location: home
  • Eye Color: dark brown
  • Hair Color: dark brown/black
  • Right handed or Left handed: Right
  • Most overused phrase/word: fuck! or shite! or kick-ass!
  • First thoughts upon waking up: ugh, 10 more minutes!
  • Best physical features: hm…perhaps my lips *smooch* (all the other parts i don’t really dig)
  • Usual bedtime: 11:30 pm (weekdays) 12:30 (sat)
  • Most missed memory: senior year high school
  • Pepsi or Coke: neither. i don’t dig soda. drink it rarely.
  • McDonald’s or Burger King: Wendy’s! (but i don’t eat it too much). However, I do dig the McGriddle!
  • Single or group dates: i haven’t been on a date-date in ages!
  • Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Lipton
  • Your perfect pizza: Meat Lovers

Do you..

  • Smoke: on occasion
  • Sing: yes! all the time!
  • Take a shower everyday: who doesn’t?
  • LIKE high school: yes
  • Want to get married: i am
  • Believe in yourself: i am constantly doubting who the f*ck i am and what the hell do i want in life

  • Get motion sickness: in moving vehicle, yes. I can’t even read a book in the subway!
  • Think you’re attractive: not really
  • Think you’re a health freak: no, but i do try to watch what i eat and exercise
  • Get along with your parents: they think i’m the responsible daughter; we get along; but there’s so many things i have yet to say to them. We’re very close but I don’t think they know me.
  • Like thunderstorms: yes
  • Play an instrument: yes

In the past month…

  • Drank alcohol: yes
  • Gone on a date?: yes
  • Gone to the mall: yes
  • Eaten sushi: yes
  • Been on stage: not yet
  • Been dumped: no
  • Gone skating: no
  • Shoplifted: no

Last…

  • Movie you’ve watched: Team America: World Police
  • Thing/s you’ve bought: boots
  • Song you’ve listen to: Shake Dog Shake (The Cure)
  • Food you’ve eaten: orange chicken w/ pork fried rice (bad lapse in food judgment) and a Reese’s peanut butter cup
  • Mall you’ve been to: Riverside Square Mall
  • People you’ve been with: co-workers, my 8-yr old victim who gave me a hug, the hubs
  • Age you hope to be married: i think i would’ve liked to get married at this age
  • Numbers and Names of Children: If I decide to have kids, I want 2 (twins hopefully). As for their names, I’m not about to have them stolen off me! =D
  • Describe your Dream Wedding: a small candlelit wedding in a hilltop in Fiji
  • How do you want to die: not sure, but definitely not in a fiery blaze!
  • What do you want to be when you grow up: I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that question over and over again.

List the number of…

  • Drugs taken illegally: ye gods…3 i think.
  • People I trust with my life: 3
  • CDs that I own: 200+
  • Piercings: 6, wait! 5 (had one taken out)
  • Tattoos: 5 (in reality, 8 if you count each individual one. I only count them as one whole design)
  • Times my name has appeared in the newspaper: no clue. probably 2 or 3?
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Jem and the Holograms For Halloween this year, …

25 October 2004

Jem and the Holograms

For Halloween this year, I’m going to be Jem! As in, Jem and the Holograms! Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about! Jem was this kick-ass cartoon from the late 80’s. I loved watching this show, although for the life of me, I can’t remember if I was already here in the U.S. or if I was still in the Philippines when I watched it. I was most likely here in the U.S. already…

In any case, Jem is about this chick named Jerrica Benton who runs half of Starlight Foundation (an organization that her parents left her and her sister Kimber after they died). Jerrica’s dad also left her this amazing computer program named Synergy who can project hundreds of holograms. Jerrica uses Synergy to create her alter-ego, Jem. By saying “It’s showtime Synergy!”, Jerrica is transformed from a straight-laced business woman to hot rock star! Jem and her bandmates, the Holograms are truly outrageous! Their only rival is The Misfits, an evil rock band headed by Pizzazz and managed by a ruthless man named Eric Raymond (who owns the other half of Starlight Foundation). Jerrica’s boyfriend, Rio has the hots for Jem, not knowing that they are the same person! Talk about your crazy love triangle!

I just downloaded the opening theme song for Jem and it sure brings me back to my younger years. You too can download Jem and the Holograms’ songs by clicking here. And to put icing on the cake, I just found out that Jem -The Complete Season 1 & 2 is out on DVD!

Jem rocks!

I’ll post a pic of myself dressed up. If I can only find a hot pink dress, I’d be set!

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The Time Traveler’s Wife I just finished readin…

19 October 2004

The Time Traveler’s Wife

I just finished reading this amazing novel by Audrey Niffenegger this past Sunday. I bought the book a while ago, but was ‘saving it’ for special reading. I haven’t read such an elegantly simple, effective, poignant, and carefully crafted story in a long time. In a nutshell, it’s a modern love story between Henry, a man who has “Chrono Displacement” disorder (in other words, he time travels) and Clare, the woman who has stood by him for years. However, as Henry’s ‘affliction’ suggests, this is not your normal love story (if it were, I would’ve never bought it).

Henry meets Clare when he is 36 and she is 6 years old. The novel spans many years and the narration flips back-and-forth between Henry and Clare. As I read the novel, I truly became engrossed with the characters’ lives –they were eerily real, as if they could be friends of mine. I was so affected by them that when I finished the novel, I couldn’t sleep because I was so sad for them. I kept thinking about how Henry and Clare could’ve avoided certain outcomes or tried other tactics to change their lives. I won’t give away the ending or anything else, but suffice it to say, I’m sure you’ll be emotionally invested in this story. I highly, highly recommend this novel! I recommend it so much that I’ve written an entry about it!

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The Same Deep Water as You Okay, I don’t feel s…

14 October 2004

The Same Deep Water as You

Okay, I don’t feel so down anymore. At least not like yesterday. I’m feeling better, especially after reading the hilarious answers to my quickie reader survey. (By the way, you can still answer it if you want! See October 12, 2004 post below). I plan on answering the questions posed to me as soon as I gather enough to work on. In the meantime, I just want to share the following observation about what readers have so far shared:

  • It seems us women do not like to poo in public (e.g., at work, the mall, any place other than in the comfort of their own home). I wish I can share this hilarious e-mail I got regarding “poo-ing etiquette” but I don’t have it anymore. In any case, I can totally relate. The hubs is always asking me why it’s such a big deal. I don’t know why. I didn’t care when I was younger (heck, I even used to poo together with my best friend), but now that I’m older, it’s a big deal. When I was in college my first year (and living in the main dorms), I had to get used to it. Finally, I found a great, semi-private loo that I can use without worrying about peepz walking in. Yes, I know we are all the same. We all pee and poo. I just don’t like doing it outside my home. I cannot explain this phenomenon, but I’m happy that I’m not the only one who has issues with it! =D

And here are other random blurbs…

  • I re-read my whiny-ass post from yesterday about feeling fat, etc. I was appalled at how shallow I sounded. I’m really not like that. Lest you think otherwise, I am actually that kind of girl who tends to polish off other people’s plates (“hey, you gonna eat that?”) and the kind that can just roll off the bed in the morning and go directly to Starbucks w/o even changing (but I do need to brush my teeth no matter what). Like I said, I was just feeling low yesterday. Yes, Batjay, I know I’m not fat and I should stop torturing myself. But I think we all get into self-deprecating moods at time, right? Feeling fat was one of the many emotions I was feeling; it so happened that it was just the easiest to write about.

  • I initially started this blog as a way to do writing exercises. One of my former teachers taught me that we should always be writing whether it be free association, random sentences, what have you. I am supposed to write at least a page a day. Lately, this blog has become an outlet of sorts –as I way to went, stave off boredom, entertainment, etc. I noticed that I’ve become much more open about me emotions and actually look forward to peoples’ reactions. I still use this blog as a writing tool. I don’t check my grammar or spelling (most of the time) nor do I craft sentences carefully. I write as I go. Some entries may be entertaining, some not. The point is, this blog is what I make of it….

  • And with that said, I hope people realize that I only write for me and what I choose to share at the moment –what I feel, what I know, what I think, what I do. Don’t assume you know someone just because you read their blog. Of course, most people already know that. However, I do not mind inquiries or getting to know fellow bloggers. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m part of community when I read others’ blogs; visit “regulars;” and get feedback. It’s an on-line discourse in many ways). I think blogs are great learning tools –we learn about other people and their interests via blog-hopping.

  • The Wu-Tang Clan is playing a concert on November 12th at the Continental Arena! All 9 of them! (or is it 10?) Complete on-stage! I love Wu-Tang! The only catch is that I already have tickets to go see Interpol that same day. I have always wanted to see them do a show…..hm, what to do?

  • I have a trial tomorrow (Thursday, EST). The top count is 2nd-degree Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon. I am so nervous. I have to introduce bullets and bloody clothing as evidence. Damn. I should be working on it instead of blogging! So I will end this now…

  • But before I go…I took this quiz today and thought the results were hilarious (not to mention on-point!)
I am a hybrid of:

Progressive Girl

Indie Girl

Click on the pictures below to read more:

Progressive Girl Indie Girl

Take the ‘What Kind of Girl Are You?’ quiz at CookingToHookup.com

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Girl Mad Words… Disclaimer: I wrote this entry …

13 October 2004

Girl Mad Words…

Disclaimer: I wrote this entry while in a really foul mood. It’s mostly free association and ramblings. READ: my grammar is appalling and my thoughts aren’t quite coherent. But do read on if you’d like. Be sure to check out the “Reader Survey” at the end.

  • I’m in a slump. I don’t feel like myself. I feel bloated, sleepy, fat, and apathetic. I’m tired of whining to my hubs how fat I’ve gotten. A co-worker gave me a pic we took in Atlantic City and I must say, my arms were H-U-G-E. So as soon as I got done with court, I kick-off another co-worker from the computer (we have to share computers, 5:1 ratio) and immediatley google “liposuction.” I actually read a very informative article about it and even considered calling my mom to ask if her friends knew anyone before I realize how stupid I was acting. Okay, stupid because A) i could never afford lipo to begin with, and B) who the fuck’s looking at me since I’m already married? I want to lose 10 pounds but lose it instantaneously. I was at the best shape of my life during law school. What gives? But since I started working at this stupid courthouse, I’ve gotten big. I think working for the government just leads to physical atrophy (not to mention leads to a decrease in personality. Have you ever met a non-disgruntled government worker?). I mean, I look at the people there and I know that some of them will die at the courthouse. Take Marge for example, this women who’s been working there for like 40 years and hobbles around with a cane. She used to have great posture! Of course, now she’s like 80 years old and 2 feet shorter. And a lot of people there are overweight. I care about my health, I really do. Of course, I also care because I’m slightly vain about my appearance. I think it sucks that I no longer get cat-calls on the street on a daily basis. Plus, I don’t want to run into some guy I used to date looking all fat! That’s it –my sole motivation for losing weight is fear of running into an ex on a bad day. Ha!

  • I’m digging this new Usher/Alicia Keys joint called “My Boo.” Actually, I don’t really dig the song so much as the actual lyrics (well, part of them anyway. I don’t like the term “my boo” ’cause I just think it’s corny). And I’m not a big fan of R&B-type love songs or ballads for that matter. Okay, the point of this blurb is that I think the song is sweet. I think the words are on-point. Click here for the lyrics.
  • Some people I read about just have fabulous lives. Take Joey or Tin for example. Why can’t I be fabulous too? Or at least, blog like I’m fabulous. Oh that’s right, I hardly do anything nowadays. I had a 3-day weekend and I didn’t do a thing! Except finish off 3 books. By the way, I’d like to recommend Dry, a kick-ass memoir by Augusten Burroughs.
  • I cut the top of my left ring finger today while chopping up veggies for dinner. I realized it was deeper than I thought when it was still bleeding while I was eating dinner. It’s fine now, but I may have to put off guitar for a day or so until it closes up.
  • Who reads my blog anyway? I can count 10 people who read it. I’m at a loss for words at the moment and need to think of writing material. I think I’ll bite off Toni’s idea and ask people what they want to know about me. I’ll also bite off Riss’ idea and make up a survey so I can know more about people who do actually read this. I think if more than 5 folks answer (cut-n-paste into comments box), I’ll call it a GOOD day!

Reader Survey

1. First name

2. Location

3. Top 3 Favorite Movies

4. Top 3 Favorite Band/Artist

5. (a) For Females: Thongs – Yay or Nay?

(b) For Males: Boxers or Briefs?

6. Describe yourself in three words.

7. Do you have a special bathroom you use if you need to poo at work?

8. Do you think Michael Jackson’s career is over?

9. How did you find this blog?

10. Is there something in particular you’d like to know about me? Toss Out a Q!

11. What do you do for a living?

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Would you get re-engaged to someone who broke off …

8 October 2004

Would you get re-engaged to someone who broke off your engagement?

A friend of mine, let’s call her “E”, got engaged to her boyfriend of 3 years this past December. I think they were engaged for less than 2 months before he broke it off with hardly an explanation. As it turns out, her fiancé, “Y,” met someone and started dating this new someone. E, of course, was broken-hearted, furious, and depressed all at the same time. She was sort of “lost” for a few months before she got better. She moved on though, and got back into the swing of things. Recently, I found out that E got “re-engaged” to her ex-fiance. I asked how that came about. She said they started dating again about 2 months ago and that he “re-proposed” about 2 weeks ago. She said that Y dated the new chick for about 6 months, but for all that time they kept running into each other. Y’s relationship did not work out, and eventually, he realized the errors of his ways. After the new relationship ended, he realized what an ass-wipe he was and that he was wrong in breaking of the relationship. He said that running into E all that time was “like a sign from God that they were meant to be.” E stated she didn’t want anything to do with him but he persisted and they started dating. After spending time with each other again, they got re-engaged.

I think it’s great that they are back together. I’m happy for her and the fact that they have reconciled. I know she still loves him for all that time they separated and didn’t really date anyone else. Obviously, E knows Y best; she’s smart and can make her own decisions in life. Coming from an outsider’s point-of-view, however, I think she would be wise to hold off and not make the decision of marrying this person right away. I mean, I know for a fact that Y was a complete ass to her right after the break-up. I was told that once, E called him about picking up his stuff, and he said to her over the phone “Oh I can’t talk right now. The girl I’m with is sleeping next to me and I don’t want to wake her up.” C’mon! What kind of ass would say that?! In addition, the way they broke up was just pathetic. He called her on the phone with no explanation whatsoever, and only said “I want something more.” He called her a day after they had just spent the whole day together. He couldn’t even do it in person! To me, this indicates a mean-ish streak in this guy. It also indicates that this guy may not be sure of what wants. If Y feels he needed “something more” and felt like he was “settling” only for E, then why even propose in the first place? Also, E shouldn’t be “settling” for Y because she deserves the very best. She can certainly have her pick of men! However, like I said before, E knows Y better than I do. I just hope the best for them both. Really, I’m glad that they got a “happy ending” of sorts, and I hope it works out. So please don’t get me wrong E, I’m happy for you, but I’m only worried because I care.

Something in the back of my mind…

I’ve had something gnawing at the back of my mind for the longest time now and I just wish I can talk to someone about it. It’s a little hard to explain, but I feel like there’s something missing in my life. I have nothing to complain about in my life right now, but if I’m so happy, then why am I looking for something else? Something I know I can’t have without disrupting everything that I’ve got going for me? Should I just live with the fact that I’ll always be wondering about it (because I could, I guess), or just break the rules and do it (knowing the consequences)?? All I know is that it might be a passing phase. I just wish it passed permanently and not keep coming back. Oh well.

Have a great weekend folks!