7 8 truths about being pregnant

This is my second pregnancy as most of you know. For the most part, both pregnancies have been going (and have gone) smoothly. But there are some things I’d like to share with you. I figure it’s my duty to spread the love. WARNING: This is delving into the realm of “too much information.” Some of these things may skeeve you out, so beware!

1. You will get constipated. I’ve read about this so I expected this to happen. With pregnancy 1 (P1), I was actually pleased not to be constipated! Alas, with pregnancy 2 (P2), there are days when nothing happens when I sit on the toilet. There are definitely days when I’m just thinking “get this demon out of me!” waiting for a turd to appear. And you push and strain only to yield one tiny little poo pebble. Yep. Not cool. I am eating more fibrous (fiber-y?) food and putting that powdered fiber stuff in most of my drinks so it helps.

2. You will accidentally pee. This didn’t happen with P1, but with P2, I’ve peed a little by accident when I sneeze. We’re not talking all out peeing here folks. All I’m saying is that a bit of pee escapes at the most inopportune moments. And I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. So two words for women: panty liners.

3. Your legs will swell. I’ve heard of this happening but I scoffed at it because it didn’t happen to me during P1. Last night though, leg-swelling reared it’s ugly little head. I went to the mall for some late-night shopping and my legs certainly felt weary the whole time. When I got home and changed clothes, I realized my legs looked like tree trunks! Ye gods!

4. You will have nothing to wear. I busted out my old maternity clothes and was just appalled. I looked at some shirts and thought “what the hell possessed me to buy this shit?!” So I grudgingly bought a few more things and am still wearing a mix of normal and maternity clothes. I use the bella band a lot which helps with my suits. My problem is finding more work-appropriate clothes and having to buy actual maternity business suits. I don’t want to take the plunge, but it may have to come to that. If I could come in wearing jeans and t-shirts, I wouldn’t have a problem!

5. You will get hormonal and weepy (and bitchy). Sometimes at unexpected moments! I was never a crier at movies or anything like that, but on occasion nowadays, I will cry at a sappy commercial. Heck, I’ve even gone teary-eyed at something a defendant said about wanting to turn his life around and not to give him jail time…yadda, yadda, yadda. I certainly don’t do that on a normal basis (and it didn’t change my mind regardless), but the hormones do get you sometimes. Likewise, they can make you into a raging bitch at the smallest slight. Like say your hubs gets you barbecue sauce for your chicken nuggets and you normally use honey mustard. The horror! All hell will break loose. It took a lot of willpower not to throw the stupid barbecue sauce is his face and yell “I’ve been married to you for almost 8 freaking years and never once did I have barbecue sauce with my fucking chicken nuggets! Where the fuck is my honey mustard sauce?!??!”

6. You will pop out some poop as you deliver. I believe this is a big concern for a lot of women. I know I was terrified of doing it when I delivered. And the worst part is that no one wants to talk about it or verify or deny that it happens. Well let me just say it happens. It happens whether you like it or not. But there is a code of silence I believe: what happens in delivery stays in delivery and no one will ever anything unless you say something (or capture it on film!). Well it happened to me and you know what? It wasn’t the biggest deal in the world. Life goes on. It becomes the least of your concerns when you are in the middle of trying to push out a human being.

7. Hemorrhoids! This happens as a result of pushing the baby out (or pushing out turds that don’t want to come out, see #1). And they will not disappear once the baby has been delivered. They become part of your life just like the baby will forever become part of your life. But don’t be too frightened, they won’t be there all the time. They’ll appear during days when you are constipated (again, see #1) and may even appear well before you deliver the baby.

Last but not the least…

8. You will cherish being pregnant. After all, you are carrying a living, breathing little creature inside of you for 10 months (no, it’s not really just 9). You will be protective, loving, and fiercely loyal to a person you’ve never even met. You will marvel at every movement (even though it may hurt sometimes!), fantasize about the day you will meet your baby, and go ga-ga over being pregnant whether it’s your first pregnancy or 5th pregnancy. And all the not-so-good stuff about being pregnant will be forgotten.