Archive for the ‘motherhood’ Category


project 365 – day ??!#&#@: advanced parenthood 101

29 November 2010

Yes it’s been a WHILE.  I actually could’ve kept up with this thing, but I was extremely lazy, slightly-to-not-so slightly depressed, really busy, and always tired…. oh so tired.

But I’m posting because I’m procrastinating tonight.   Also, I got some thoughts swirling in my head.

I read my friends’ posts/blurbs on facebook, etc…and a lot of them gush on and on about their children.  This is not a bad thing.  I’m not into saccharine-sweet type posts most of the time, but I appreciate reading them.  But these posts make me guilty about my own take on parenting.  I love the kids to death and can wax poetic about their skills and all that, but I’m not the world’s biggest fan of parenting.   And sometimes I think there is something wrong with me for not gushing more about the joys of parenting.

My kids are awesome.  Heck, I think my son is gifted.  Everyday he surprises me with his, wisdom.  Today, for example, he kept telling me about how he doesn’t want to get old.  He doesn’t want to get old because he doesn’t want to go to heaven.  And I think this is primarily because we told him his grandmother died because she was old.  He keeps bringing it up every so often that I think I should go see a counselor of some sort to help explain it more to him.

He’s super-artistic (takes after me, I must say); draws very detailed pictures; and has always been very verbal with an amazing vocabulary.  He’s fine, but he just DOES NOT LISTEN.  Or purposely tests me.  He’ll be 5 in February and he still can’t sit down and eat a freaking meal by himself.  Meal times are super stressful.  Coming home from work, furiously whipping up a dinner for the kids, and then feeding them is stressful.

Going out is also be stressful.  I want them to enjoy certain experiences but when they don’t listen, things get hectic.  The hubs is no help.  He gives my son the silent treatment if he doesn’t behave and I know that’s not the way to do things.  Or he yells.  I mean, I yell too, but I don’t let the world stop and hold a grudge.  It’s like I have to maneuver through a minefield and cater to the kids and the hubs.  I then have to police the kids so that the hubs doesn’t get angrier –and this is the shit I don’t like the most.  It’s like living with my own dad (who has temper issues) all over again.  It’s like the stress of parenting then falls only on me because he refuses to deal with it in a normal manner.

As for the girl…well, she’s like a teenager.  Heck, she knows the lyrics to a lot of songs that I play. She loves to sing, talk, and play with me.   She always wants ME.  I think because she has an older sibling, she grew up fast.  I listen to their conversations and they are down right hilarious.  I love it when they play together because they interact really well.  But they also fight.  A LOT.  A LOT LOT.  And again, yelling occurs.  I really don’t like being a mean mom but it comes out.    And that’s when I end up saying things I later regret like “can’t you just leave me alone?”  Or I end up yanking someone’s arm to get them off someone or haul them into time-out.

*Sigh*  I know I should focus on the good things about being a parent.  They are my life and they totally make my world better.  But the day-to-day inner workings of being a parent also get me down.  I don’t like having to rush dinner and then bathtime and then bed.  It’s like clockwork and I don’t have time to just play with them.  I always feel like I would be a better parent if I just get help with the little things in life –the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, etc.

And I’m definitely selfish and independent.  Kids are needy, I know.  I love doing things for them, but at the same time, it’s hard to do things for them all the time.  Does that make sense?

Anyway… that’s my thoughts so far.  Each day is different.  Some days are definitely better than others.  Parenthood is definitely a work in progress.    Each day, I pray  that I am more patient, and more loving and supportive.  Maybe it’ll help if I start bragging and posting about the good things the kids do?

As my friend always says: Judge me.


project 365 – day 104 to 113: sleepless in seattle

28 June 2010

My family and I flew to Seattle, WA to attend my cousin’s wedding.  It was the kids’ first time in a plane (excluding flights when they were infants).  I almost had a nervous breakdown on the plane, I must say.

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit.  However, it was a a very stressful flight for me.  Despite the fact that I had my mom, my dad, and my two adult brothers to help me, the kids were still a handful.  They are four and two years old, and they did not behave on the plane.  The flight going there was fraught with tension.  They kept yelling, they were fighting with each other, they were giddy, and they did NOT nap.  Mind you, they have been awake since 6:30 am (eastern time), and we didn’t land in Seattle until 3 pm!  So they were awake the entire time.  Overall, they acted their age.  My son was pretty ok; he drew, he watched some tv, he played with his toys.  My daughter kept yelling “I want to get out!” and was clingy.  I couldn’t even go to the bathroom.  I was just on edge the whole time because I just wanted them to sit and be quiet –which is really not what 4 & 2-year olds do!  I mean, who was I thinking I could read a book and listen to my iPod?  As if!  My main concern was to keep them from annoying other people –but apparently this did not work since the lady in front of my son asked to be moved!  Like she’s never heard 2 kids scream and play before…hahah…

The flight back was much, much better.  They napped for at least a good hour, and they were more prepared and bit more behaved.  I was able to relax a bit and actually watch a movie!  I was able to breathe…*Sigh*

I am seriously scared about the flight to the Philippines this coming December.  They will both be slightly older, so I am hoping they’ll be less giddy.  But let’s face it, it is an extremely long flight.  I can barely stand it myself, let alone travel with these 2 kiddos!  I just have to think of the big picture and the fun we will have once we land there, right??! 

But on to the good stuff… Seattle was pretty as usual.  The only time it rained was the day of my cousin’s wedding (which was, of course, an outdoor wedding). 

the bride & groom

Nonetheless, we all had a great time.  The wedding was held at The Orting Manor – such a lovely, rustic place.  It was really too bad that it poured; otherwise we would have explored it more!  I know the kids had fun; Lil C was the flowergirl but she already got mud all over her shoes (not to mention my clothes!) before the ceremony even started!  She also would not pose AT ALL with the wedding party.  So I’m not even sure she’s in any pictures! 

Lil C getting ready to run amuck in the rain...

Our family and the beautiful bride's family

It was a reunion for most of us cousins and we all went to for beers and made our own “after-party.”  The funny thing was that we got lost for a good 20 minutes looking for this bar that was next to our hotel all along!  But let me just say, this bar was tucked in the middle of a trucking yard!  We also sent in my cousin and my brother to check out the bar before the rest of us would get out of the van!

We also did a day trip to Vancouver.  Vancouver was beautiful.  It was super-clean and the people were all nice.  We drove around, saw Stanley Park, drove by Chinatown, and then explored Capilano Bridge & Nature Park

Capilano Bridge - Park entrance

 You have to check out this bridge if you’re ever inVancouver.  It’s awesome!  The views are breathtaking and walking across the bridge is an adventure.  The kids totally loved it.  They got to run around, explore tree houses, and play in a beautiful nature preserve.  If you’re a fan of Twilight and all that jazz, I think you’d get a kick out of the trees and the scenery.

A view of Capilano Bridge

On the way back, we stopped by a McDonalds and let me just say, I was impressed.  I would have never thought I’d be impressed by a McDonalds, but I was!  It was almost spa-like in its design!  I guess I’m used to my busted-ass McDonald’s right here by my work. 

At the very end of our trip, we stayed at the Sheraton in the heart of downtown Seattle.  I pretty much stayed in since it was drizzling the whole day, the kids didn’t have strollers, and it was hard to do any sightseeing.  My mom went and did a whole tour though.  I did manage to visit Pike Place for a bit.  By then, my camera was dead, so I could only take pics with my phone.  I couldn’t leave Seattle without visiting the Starbucks mothership, of course!   The Starbucks prices in Seattle was definitely much, much cheaper than over here in the East Coast, or even in California!  What a great incentive for me to move there!  Even my parents are contemplating retiring there as they really liked it.  We’ll see.   I also love the food there. Perfect for a foodie like me.

My aunt also runs a daycare in Seattle –she keeps insisting I ship the kids over for the summer each year!  I’m all for it! Hahahha….well, I can probably part with them for 2 weeks, not 2 months!  But the hubs has yet to say yes….

But I will definitely visit Seattle again.


project 365 – day 50: 16 & pregnant

14 April 2010

Ever see this MTV show?  It’s crazy how freaking stoopid some of these kids area.  I don’t watch it on a regular basis, but if I pass by the channel, I wind up watching for a bit.

I was so mature at 16.  I know, I know, you are rolling your eyes.  But let me just say that when I was 16 and I knew I was ready to have sex, I did my research.  I read about pregnancy, I read about the pill, I read about the emergency contraceptive pill, condoms, and other forms of phrophylactics.  I don’t think a lot of teenagers know that in the event of any emergency (like say, the condom breaks), you can use the emergency contraceptive pill to prevent possible pregnancy.  I knew about it because I read about it, and how to get it in the event of an accident.  And I pride myself on being responsible.  I was also lucky in that I was in a great relationship with a great guy who did not dump me after he got some.  It wasn’t like in “16 & pregnant” where they’ve only been dating for a like a week and then they do it!

I am not against pre-marital sex.  I will probably eat my words once the kids are actually teenagers and I’ll have to deal with it.  But still.  I do not think it’s morally wrong to have pre-marital sex like some people do.  That’s not how life works, unfortunately.  So I do advocate for safe sex.  And I think that sex should be with someone you know, trust and care about deeply, and hopefully, be in love with!  But that’s just me.  I also think that once you are an adult with more experience, you certainly have the right to choose with whom to have sex with, whether casual or serious, as long as everything is consensual and you know the consequences of your actions.

Alas, it’s harder to make consensual choices when you are a minor under 18.  It’s harder to use your judgment when you are young and full of hormones, I know.  But again, it’s all about consequences and thinking about the worst case scenario.   Gawd…I have no idea what to tell the kids when they need “the talk.”

And I have no idea why this is today’s post.


project 365 -day 48: i am the worst mom ever

11 April 2010

I think all I did was scream at the kids this entire weekend.  Serious screaming at the top of my lungs.  My throat actually hurts as I type this.

My four-year old is testing our patience.  He doesn’t listen.  He whines constantly.  Then he whines about wanting to listen (but actually doesn’t listen).  To me, there is nothing more aggravating that hearing him whine.  I actually wanted to go to work at some point to get some peace and quiet (and get some work done!)

I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I’ve read articles on Babycenter, but I think that now I may have to read a parenting book to get tips.  My two-year old is also pulling tantrums here and there.  I really don’t want to yell at them.  I don’t want to be that crazy mom who people look at.

I know that this is all partly a combination of stress, lack of sleep (because they freaking wake up too early on the weekends), certain expectations (I expect them to understand like an adult even though I realize they are just children), fatigue, frustration, and yes, lack of parenting.  Let’s face it, we really only see them on the weekends.  After work doesn’t really count because it’s just a mad scramble of them getting fed, bath time, and bed time.  Weekends we do have time to spend with them, but we also have to do errands (laundry, home-cleaning, etc….etc…)

It is tough.

All I know is that I have to find a better way to get through to the kids.  I can’t keep yelling at them.  It’s totally not healthy, plus I don’t want them to be yellers when they grow up.



project 365 – day 46: my daily stress fest

30 March 2010

Working moms are just waaay too frazzled (in a different way that stay-at-home moms are frazzled).

Before getting to work, there is chaos.  Mad rush to get ready, get the kids ready, argue with the kids, haul them to school, etc.  There is so much yelling going on.

At work, I actually find some peace.  I consider work my me time.  But yes, I am also stressed at work.  There are so many files to work on, so little time.  Then I also bring work home or work on the weekends on occassion.

After work, there is again, chaos.  Pick up kids from school.  6 pm – dinner time battles.  I cook.  Last night, I actually made a delicious flounder francese.  Lil C ate a whole fish fillet; Rockstar boy did not and had pizza instead.  Mad rush to finish.   7:30 pm – Bath time.  Bargaining time.  Story time.  And finally, sleeping time.  The kids are actually asleep by 8:45 pm –which is late for me, but that’s the best I can do.  I then relax.  I leave dishes unwashed most of the time.  But I clean up the living room, dining room, etc.  It sucks. 

I watch a large amount of TV to unwind.

I have not gone to the gym in 2 weeks.

Now add to this is the fact that we are picking a contractor to renovate our home; we meet with people during the week and weekends; we are also going to start to pack up and move out. 

Now add to this is the fact that I am about to start a band again.  I know, what am I thinking?!  Where would I find the time? 

My first meeting with potential bandmates will be this Saturday.  We’ll see!


project 365 – day 26: rockstar boy is 4 today!

17 February 2010

Time really does fly.  I am a mother of a 4-year old boy.  My first born.  My baby.  My little bun-bun, my string bean, my Jaco-bean, my little guy, my skinny guy, my rockstar baby turned rockstar BOY!

He used to be so small and teeny! Now he’s a lanky beanpole.  How did he grow so fast?! 

I’m so proud of him. 

He’s intelligent, inquisitive (to the point that he asks too many questions!), creative, boisterous, funny, perceptive, caring, sweet (and sour), precocious, and independent. 

Before he was 3, he could already complete a 20-piece puzzle by himself, make-up stories using his toys (and act them out), and carry on conversations (like what he did for the day, etc). 

He recognizes all his letters and most numbers, can write his name and his sister’s, draw and color (within the lines!) pictures that you can actually recognize, and tell you his opinion about anything and everything!  He is a good older brother to his little sister (most of the time –when he is not beating her up!), teaches her things, helps her out, and protects her.

One day, I picked them up from school and he found out that someone bit his little sister.  He asked “who did that?! Who bit her?”  I said, “I think her friend Karina did.”  He ran to Lil C’s classroom and started looking around and yelling “which one’s Karina?!”  LOL

Words can’t really aptly describe his growth, development, achievements, and personality.  I guess you just have to trust me that he’s a genius! 😉  And a diabolical one at that! (Cuz when he’s cranky, watch the hell out!)

Happy, happy 4th birthday my little rockstar boy!


project 365 – day 24: my 2-year old

15 February 2010

My petite bean is 2 years old.  I have so many nicknames for her.  My bean.  Jelly-bean (her kuya is string bean :), Silky Bean, Bettina, ‘Petites,’ Tubster, Pumpkin, Porkchop, Potato, Potato-bean, Callie…and the list goes on.

Since it’s her birthday, I’m going all out and gush about her!

She’s brilliant.  Her vocabulary is amazing.  She can says things like “Mommy, you gorgeous.” Conversely,  she can also say “You ugly!  I’m mad at you!”  When she was younger (at about 14 months or so), I was actually concerned that she didn’t seem to be talking as much as her older brother was at that age.  Once she hit 16 months though, her skills just exploded.  Now, you can pretty much carry on a conversation with her (provided she has time to get to know you; she’s quiet the first few times she meets you).

She can sing along to many songs.  Including ones by Depeche Mode, Lady Gaga, and Phoenix.  What can I say, she’s an artist in the making.  I’ve tried many-a-times to record her, but alas… one day though, I’ll catch her unawares!

She’s feisty.  Independent.  She likes picking out her own clothes and attempts to dress herself.  She can be such a girly-girl.  She’ll pick up a basket, tuck in her arm, put on hat and say “I go shopping!”  What are you going to buy?  “Coffee!” (She’s picked up a nasty Starbucks habit courtesy of mom).  But she’s also a rough-and-tumble kind of girl –she does have an older brother she looks up to!  I’m making steps into potty-training her and she refuses to sit down on the toilet.  Instead, she insists on standing up to pee like her kuya!  Dolls don’t hold her interest for very long; she loves putting things together, playing with trucks, reading books, and watching the same shows her big brother watches.  They are adorable together.

She’s also quite a foodie.  She loves to try new foods, and will insist on feeding herself.  But she will yell at you for a napkin if something gets on her face or clothes!

Never get between her and a cupcake –she will flat out ignore you!

I’m so happy she’s growing up nicely and hitting all her milestones.  As long as she’s healthy and happy, what more can I ask for?

Happy, happy birthday my baby girl!